First, for those of you who often have jokes go right over your head – this is a humor blog. I don’t hate the environment. I happen to be a big fan of any environment that contains me.
Along with the stipulation of only being for attractive women of age (who are not related to me), this rule is only to be followed in the cold winter months.
The greenies tell us to wear a sweater or two around the house in the winter so that we can turn the thermostat down and use our heaters less, which saves energy.
Screw that. Turn the heat up and get naked.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve already offered you incentive for subscribing by telling you that for every 5 subscribers, we’ll pour a bottle of bleach on a tree. We’ve decided that we will add a new subscription incentive after every 10 climate-rising tips. Here’s the latest: every time 10 people subscribe, we’ll saran wrap a Prius, rendering it completely useless (well, even more useless).
To kick this incentive off, we’ve already ravaged one Prius. Our apologies for the poor lighting – the only place we knew we could find a Prius was our local Whole Foods, which has a poorly-lit parking garage.
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Much like the U.S. House of Representatives can solve the healthcare problem as they’re solving the College Football BCS problem, I can solve two problems at once. However, the problems I solve are more important than the problems they solve.
Major problem 1: It’s freezing outside.
Major problem 2: People send text messages while they drive. Then they die.
Solution: Send all text messages via snail mail.
Sending text messages via mail will require us all to use much more paper. It will also require the U.S. Postal Service to use more gasoline and other energies. This pushes The Anti-Green Movement and will help warm the earth.
Also, this will prevent people from texting while driving. Whenever anyone texts while driving, they die. Therefore, this Climate-Rising Tip will save many lives.
Text messages cost 10 cents to send. A piece of mail costs 44 cents to send. Send the equivalent of 5 text messages in one envelope, and you’ve essentially turned a profit.
I know a lot of my readers love to participate in the act of “sexting”. Sending sexy photos of yourself via mail would be somewhat unsatisfactory because they could get in the hands of a pervert mailman like the one pictured above. Instead of sexting, I recommend that you do this:
- Sprint to the house of the person you wish to sext. You must do this naked.
- When someone answers the door, visually attack them with your hands and arms. Wave them around very lustily.
- In a sultry voice, say “Sext! Sext! Sext!”.
- If someone other than the planned recipient answers the door, just ask them to forward the sext to the planned recipient.
I’ve mentioned that we should all eat a lot of food, particularly meat, but I haven’t told you how to cook it in the most inefficient way possible. These days, modern cooking appliances – stoves, ovens, microwaves – are designed to be very efficient because adults like that kind of nonsense. However, kids don’t really care about saving the earth yet, so Easy Bake Ovens still have maximum inefficiency.
Easy Bake Ovens obviously can’t cook much food at once, so you’ll have to buy a plethora of them. A few benefits will come of this:
- The Easy Bake Ovens you purchased will eventually contribute to your local landfill.
- After we all buy a great amount of Easy Bake Ovens, the manufacturer will increase production, and will therefore waste energy and materials
- More Easy Bake Ovens = more electricity used.
One negative consequence of owning multiple Easy Bake Ovens is appearing to be a giant tool. Whenever people notice something embarrassing in my possession, I blame it on my friends. For example:
“You own pink leather pants?”
“Uhh…those are my friend’s.”
“Oh, okay. But this DVD collection of every Full House episode has got to be yours, right?”
“No no, those belong to my friend.”
“But what about this issue of Yoga Monthly?”
That’s enough. You get the gist. I wanted to mention this topic because you must be weary of using the “friend” excuse for your Easy Bake Ovens. If you are a man and you use this excuse for your Easy Bake Ovens, people may think that you are friends with little girls. These people will think that you are a pervert and will then call the police on you.
You may not know this, mortal, but the way you use money can make a huge impact on the economy. According to my calculations, billions of monetary transactions are made every day. If everyone wasted just a tad of energy during every transaction, billions of tads of energy would be wasted every day. There’s a lot of potential there, and we’re going to tap that potential like syrup hunters tap maple trees. Here’s a current rundown of how current transactions are made and who makes them:
- Barter: This is the ultimate hippy transaction. Do not do this.
- Credit/Debit Cards: These are for the weak hippies or for people looking to save money who are currently being tricked into saving the environment.
- Cash: Cash is for money launderers, strippers, or strip club customers.
You may be thinking, “Wow Matt, you really make every form of transaction sound awful. You must have a brilliant idea for me.” As usual, you are correct.
From now on, if you are a true Anti-Greenie, you will only use pennies for all of your monetary transactions. Pennies are extremely inefficient – they cost more to make than they’re worth, they take a lot of energy to carry around, and they’re a waste of metal, among other things. Also, pennies are kind of brown, which is the official color of the Anti-Green Movement.
Before I posted this Climate-Rising Tip, I’ve been testing this idea out for all of you, and it’s been working great. From a few months of studying, I’ve discovered a few helpful tips you should keep in mind while using the penny in mass quantities:
- Disguise your pennies to fool greenies into thinking you’re on their side:
- It will be very hard to pay your bills in just pennies. If you want to, you can simply ship rolls upon rolls of pennies to the companies you owe money. However, that’s pretty efficient. I recommend personally driving your pennies to the billing addresses of the said companies. To make this easier, I constantly keep the trunk of my car full of pennies.
- Some people might accuse you of forging a penny. Call them an idiot and tell them that the ghost of Abe Lincoln will haunt them. If this does not faze them, tell them that once I’m no longer in this world, I will haunt them as well.
- It’s quite easy to pay less than necessary when you use only pennies. Simply hand over a bunch of pennies to any cashier and tell them how much money you gave them. They’ll usually be very foolish and trust you. Because of this, you can “forget” to include a penny or two every once in a while.
- Finally, many people will try to refuse your pennies for any transaction over 50 cents. If anyone is not willing to accept your pennies, throw the pennies at their face and run away with the merchandise you were trying to purchase. While you do so, yell, “HOW’S IT FEEL TO GET ABED IN THE FACE!?”
Quick. Think of a well known man from America’s history who flew a kite for a good cause.
If you didn’t think of Benjamin Franklin, you’re wrong. The answer is Benjamin Franklin. He supposedly tied a key to a kite, flew it in a thunderstorm, and discovered electricity. He is now the only man who wasn’t a US president to be featured on United States currency (except for the guy who founded the US Mint – it’s pretty much a given that he deserves his mug on something). This happened solely because he flew a kite. He did nothing else for the people of America. Now he’s actually on the most expensive piece of circulated currency – the hundred dollar bill.
Don’t you want to be featured on a hundred dollar bill sometime in the far future? Don’t you want to go Anti-Green? If so, you need to fly a kite through a wind farm. You can take two routes here:
- Use extra-strength metal wire for your kite string. Your kite will get caught in the wind turbines and will jam them, arresting the natural power generation of the Greenies.
- Use fishing line for your kite string. Your kite will be less likely to jam the wind turbines, but after you leave the kite, your fishing line will never degrade, which will upset biodegradable-loving Greenies.
I suggest using a twine composed of both metal and fishing wire. With your help, wealthy folk of the future will refer to hundred dollar bills as “Anti-Greenians” rather than “Benjamins”. If only one of our faces gets to adorn the hundred dollar bill, I call dibs. On second thought, that might be a poor decision. People would keep hundred dollar bills out of circulation solely so they could look at my handsome face.
One can deduct two simple facts from these stories:
- Things that are black run inefficiently.
- Especially when on top of buildings.
What color are solar panels? Black. And where are they typically located? On top of buildings.
Therefore, you should all spray paint your solar panels white. Do not use regular paint for this – that would not emit enough aerosol into the atmosphere.
By the way, if black cars are inefficient, aren’t black Priuses somewhat of a paradox now?