I’ve mentioned that we should all eat a lot of food, particularly meat, but I haven’t told you how to cook it in the most inefficient way possible. These days, modern cooking appliances – stoves, ovens, microwaves – are designed to be very efficient because adults like that kind of nonsense. However, kids don’t really care about saving the earth yet, so Easy Bake Ovens still have maximum inefficiency.
Easy Bake Ovens obviously can’t cook much food at once, so you’ll have to buy a plethora of them. A few benefits will come of this:
- The Easy Bake Ovens you purchased will eventually contribute to your local landfill.
- After we all buy a great amount of Easy Bake Ovens, the manufacturer will increase production, and will therefore waste energy and materials
- More Easy Bake Ovens = more electricity used.
One negative consequence of owning multiple Easy Bake Ovens is appearing to be a giant tool. Whenever people notice something embarrassing in my possession, I blame it on my friends. For example:
“You own pink leather pants?”
“Uhh…those are my friend’s.”
“Oh, okay. But this DVD collection of every Full House episode has got to be yours, right?”
“No no, those belong to my friend.”
“But what about this issue of Yoga Monthly?”
That’s enough. You get the gist. I wanted to mention this topic because you must be weary of using the “friend” excuse for your Easy Bake Ovens. If you are a man and you use this excuse for your Easy Bake Ovens, people may think that you are friends with little girls. These people will think that you are a pervert and will then call the police on you.
The recent climate-gate stuff is making me doubt whether my anti-green activities are having as much effect as I thought on the global temperature. Wat do? Should I continue as normal by being carbon inefficient, or focus on other things?
Daniel,
I really think you should keep up your efforts. Never give up. As Albert Einstein said, “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”
You’re a great spirit. A beautiful one.
I may start cooking my organic food over my fireplace while burning plastic milk cartons. Must keep them out of the landfills and recycling just produces more CO2. We could heat our homes with easy bake ovens?
Chris,
Good idea. Did you say organic food? I hope your only intention is to poison it with the plastic cartons then give free samples to greenies.
You are brilliant. I am so tired of the “Green” movement, in the way that it has become this over-commercialized trendy sort of thing.
The best way to deal with issues such as global warming is to ignore them. Or better yet: join forces.
Keep writing.