The Anti-Green Movement

Much like the U.S. House of Representatives can solve the healthcare problem as they’re solving the College Football BCS problem, I can solve two problems at once. However, the problems I solve are more important than the problems they solve.

Major problem 1: It’s freezing outside.

Major problem 2: People send text messages while they drive. Then they die.

…

Solution: Send all text messages via snail mail.

Sending text messages via mail will require us all to use much more paper. It will also require the U.S. Postal Service to use more gasoline and other energies. This pushes The Anti-Green Movement and will help warm the earth.

Also, this will prevent people from texting while driving. Whenever anyone texts while driving, they die. Therefore, this Climate-Rising Tip will save many lives.

Text messages cost 10 cents to send. A piece of mail costs 44 cents to send. Send the equivalent of 5 text messages in one envelope, and you’ve essentially turned a profit.

I know a lot of my readers love to participate in the act of “sexting”. Sending sexy photos of yourself via mail would be somewhat unsatisfactory because they could get in the hands of a pervert mailman like the one pictured above. Instead of sexting, I recommend that you do this:

1. Sprint to the house of the person you wish to sext. You must do this naked.
2. When someone answers the door, visually attack them with your hands and arms. Wave them around very lustily.
3. In a sultry voice, say “Sext! Sext! Sext!”.
4. If someone other than the planned recipient answers the door, just ask them to forward the sext to the planned recipient.