The Anti-Green Movement

It’s officially winter in the midwest. Mother nature has dumped a couple inches of snow upon us. Sadly, this snow will stay on the ground until April because midwest winters are notorious for never raising above 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

I park my car outside, which is really awful in the winter. Snow or no snow, an inch-thick layer of ice forms on every window of your car overnight.

Back in the day of high school, this layer of ice on the windshield was a huge burden to me. School, which was 20 minutes away from my house, started at 7:50. Naturally, I woke up at 7:30, put some clothes on, chewed a piece of gum because that’s quicker than brushing your teeth, ate a couple of untoasted Pop-Tarts, and was on my way by 7:33. But in the winter, I would have to clean the ice off of my car or face immediate death while driving due to the 0% visibility factor. Most days, I chose to clean the ice off. This took me anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes. Because of this setback, I was late to school just about every day in the winter.

I eventually wised up (is it “wised” or “wose”?) and changed my winter morning routine. I would wake up, go outside and start the car with the heat blasting, get ready for school, then go to school. By the time I got to my car, all the ice had melted off. This worked beautifully and was great for Anti Green efforts.

Insert: Woman thinks she's great because she has a remote car starter; subsequently has only 3 Myspace friends

I quickly realized the major flaw in this plan. I got really cold when I went outside to start the car right after I woke up in my pajamas. At first, I considered buying one of those fancy remote car starters. My buddy had one of those. He always showed it off and thought he was better than everyone because he had one. Everyone who didn’t have a remote car starter despised him solely because he had one. Knowing this, I scratched that plan. I couldn’t have everyone despising me. I’m a likable guy.

It’s been awhile since high school, and I’ve wose up even more. Why waste your time starting your car a few minutes before you leave when you can just keep it running at all times? There are three benefits of this:

1. Your car will be in perfect condition any time you need it.
2. Your car will be emitting a great amount of carbon dioxide, which will raise the climate, which will make winter less harsh.
3. You won’t be one of those a-holes who uses a remote car starter.

To sum this tip up – keep your car running 24/7, even when you’re not in or near it. You may be afraid of theft, so here’s how you deal with that problem. Pretty much all cars these days come with two keys. While the car is running with one key inside, simply lock the doors so no one can get in. Use the second key for access to the running car.

EDIT: A reader asked me why I don’t just use Summer Wheeze on my icy car windows. Loyal reader, I hate to break it to you, but Summer Wheeze is in fact a fictional product only found in the world of Frosty Returns. Again, I truly apologize. I hate to be the bearer of bad news.