Wednesday

Climate-Rising Tip #10 – Take out your insulation

Insulation helps keep your house cool or hot, depending on the temperature you’re trying to keep your house. Confusing? Keep up. If you’re using the heat, insulation keeps your house hot. If you’re using the AC, it keeps your house cool. It’s like a thermos you would bring to school as a kid. Keeps cold drinks cold and hot soup hot. (Not at the same time).

Now that I’ve explained insulation, you probably understand that to be the best AG possible, you need to take it out of your house. If you do so, your heating unit or AC will need to work harder, which will force them to use more energy. This is good for the anti-green movement.

Here is the stuff you need to eliminate from your house:

Be careful, as the fiberglass gets stuck in your skin and starts to itch. Because of this, pink fiberglass insulation with the Pink Panther as a spokesperson doesn’t mix well with children. As a child, I always wanted to eat insulation. Maybe I did. That would explain quite a bit.

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Monday

Climate-Raising Tip #9 – Put your Christmas lights up NOW!

It’s no where near the Christmas season yet, but if you’re a true antigreener (antigreeners shall now be referred to as AGs), you’ll put your Christmas lights up now. They use lots of unnecessary energy. If your house doesn’t look like the building in the included picture, you are a failure. I only have two tips for you:

  • Use as many lights as possible
  • Leave these lights on 24/7

If you’re ambitious and want to get extra AG points, throw your Christmas lights out once a year and buy new ones. Let’s do all we can to get those landfills full.

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Wednesday

Climate-Rising Tip #8 – Kick a Prius

The Toyota Prius is one of the biggest contenders against The Anti-Green Movement. They show that you can be trendy while saving the world. They also save gas, which means the Prius doesn’t burn as much fossil fuel as it can. This leads to a slower climate change.

To combat our great cause’s enemy, kick a Prius whenever you see one. Make sure you leave a visible dent. This will cause the Prius driver to become intimidated. Eventually, there will be a national Prius-kicking crisis, which will undoubtedly cause less people to buy Priuses, which in turn will cause the Prius division of Toyota to go out of business. When this happens, people will be forced to go back to the good old gas-guzzlers and the climate change will accelerate.

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Tuesday

Climate-Rising Tip #7 – Have a crapload of kids

Apparently one factor of global warming is our booming world population, which makes sense. The more people there are, the more resources that need to be used, the more our global climate rises. Jackpot!

This one’s easy to take part in. Here is a step by step tutorial:

  1. Have a crapload of kids.

How many little dudes and dudettes should you have? In my opinion, you should aim to have enough kids to field two soccer teams, which equates to 22 kids. Using basic math, this would require your significant other (or you) to be pregnant for 16.5 years of their (or your) life. Many women may oppose this. If this is the case, polygamy may be the answer you’re looking for.

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Monday

Climate-Rising Tip #6 – Eat a lot of meat

According to the Food and Agricultural Organization of the United Nations, “Livestock are responsible for 18 per cent of the greenhouse gases that cause global warming”. How do livestock release these greenhouse gases? Well, when they pass gas, they let off massive amounts of carbon dioxide.

No explanation needed here. The more meat we eat, the more animals farmers will breed, the more animals there will be to pass gass, the more greenhouse gases the animals emit, the hotter it gets.

From now on, eat only meat. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner = meat. If you get confused about what is acceptable and what isn’t, please refer to the food pyramid below.

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Friday

Climate-Rising Tip #5 – Never turn your lights off

Lights use electricity. Electricity uses fossil fuels. Fossil fuels speed up global warming. If you use critical thinking, you’ll critically think that you’d be an idiot not to constantly leave your lights on. Here are some benefits of always leaving every light in your house on:

  • It will speed up global warming. This one’s obvious.
  • It will cure you of any depression. If you house is always really bright, how can you be depressed?
  • It will make it easier for you to wake up in the morning.
  • It will stimulate the economy because you’ll have to buy more lightbulbs.

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Thursday

Climate-Rising Tip #4 – Cut down lots of trees

We’ve all heard about trees – those tall leafy things that contribute oxygen to the environment. Trees are one of the biggest enemies of The Anti-Green Movement. What can you do about it? Eliminate some.

How? Use a hacksaw for smaller trees. For bigger trees, use a chainsaw or dynamite.

Which trees? First take care of the trees in your own yard. Cut them all down. This can be done legally. Next, take care of other trees in town. Go to a forest preserve with a chainsaw in hand and go to work. If you want to go big, I suggest dropping some dynamite into the rain forest. This is ideal for maximum tree elimination. Note: The previous two suggestions are illegal.

With who? You can do this task by yourself, but I suggest bringing some friends along. This will maximize the amount of trees you can cut down and you’ll have people to talk to. If you have a family, make one of the suggested ideas a family event. Contributing to the Anti-Green Movement with your family is a great bonding experience.

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Thursday

Climate-Rising Tip #3 – Use your shower to steam your clothes

A Number 1 enemy of life is ironing. It’s annoying, it takes a long time, it’s frustrating, it can burn your house down if you accidentally leave the iron on – the list is endless. Here’s good news: You can eliminate ironing while raising the climate. This process needs only three things – a small bathroom, a shower, and some wrinkly clothes.

  1. Turn the shower and faucet in your bathroom as hot as they can go.
  2. Hang your wrinkly clothes somewhere in the bathroom.
  3. Shut the bathroom door and any windows. You’re essentially turning your bathroom into a steam room.
  4. Leave for a few hours.

This easy-to-do process works because you’re wasting hot water which is most likely heated by fossil fuels. To achieve maximum effectiveness, this process works best overnight while you’re sleeping. Pop in the clothes you need the next morning for work and you’re good to go at 8AM.

This tip has additional non-global warming benefits. For one, the overnight shower provides a good white noise to fall asleep to. Second, the shower may slightly raise the climate of your house, which is good during those cold winter nights.

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Wednesday

Climate-Rising Tip #2 – Mock those who use public transportation

We’re constantly encouraged to take public transportation. Why? To help save the environment. Forget that! The only good thing that comes from from saving the environment is a climate that isn’t changing drastically enough.

First, we all need to discontinue the use of any public transportation. Second, we need to mock those who use public transportation. By mocking our PT-riding comrades, we shame can shame them into driving their own cars.

Here are a few things you can say to the PT-riders:

  • You take the train to work? I heard only losers take the train to work.
  • The bus? The one time I took the bus to work I got a disease and accidentally did some drugs.
  • Reduce your carbon footprint by taking public transportation? That was cool like 20 years ago.

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Wednesday

Climate-Rising Tip #1 – Only drink from plastic water bottles

Landfill Fillers

Plastic water bottles are terrible for the environment. They will undoubtedly speed up global warming. Go out of your way to use them.

You may run into a slight problem here. You may be asking, “What if I don’t want to drink water? I enjoy an early morning gin and tonic as well as water!” I’m a step ahead of you. If you want to drink something besides water, follow these simple steps:

  1. Get a new water bottle.
  2. Pour the water out.
  3. Pour whatever you want to drink into the water bottle.
  4. Drink.
  5. Repeat using a new bottle every time.

If this is not possible for some reason, drink your beverage out of a glass. To make up for your foolish decision, throw out two (2) full water bottles. Here are a few rules you’ll have to follow when dealing with water bottle consumption:

  • Drink, drink, drink. Then throw the empty bottles out. Then drink more. Then throw those empty bottles out. Then throw out some more full bottles for the heck of it.
  • Use as many bottles as you can. If you have a bottle that is 3/4 full and it feels a bit warm, throw it out and grab a new one.
  • DO NOT RECYCLE BOTTLES. According to bottledwaterblues.com, 60 million plastic bottles are thrown out every day in America. Guys, 60 million? We can do better. By the end of the year, I expect nothing less than 100 million every day. According to my calculations, if we each drink 1.4 bottles more per day, we’re set for our goal.

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